Triple Choc Mars, Max Choc Snickers & Triple Flavour Kit Kat

Boy HOWDY I was getting nervous when I hadn't tried a new zany flavour from Nestlé/Mars in a while, when luckily on my visit to Coles I found not one, not two, but THREE new delightful* variants of well-loved chocolate bars! I was starving to death after a day of normal people food so I abandoned any sensible pre-dinner  plans and went ALL OUT and ate all three. 

The first on our selection is the Snickers variation, MAX CHOC. It's basically a normal Snicker, but the bits that used to be brown are MAXIMUM BROWN. The nougat is now 'chocolate' flavoured (thank god) and the caramel is also 'chocolate' flavoured (thank god??). It's so brown in shade now Sonia Krugar has allegedly called for the boarders to be closed. It tastes almost identical to a normal Snickers - the dark chocolate I guess would be about 40% (I threw it away from boredom so I'm not sure), so it's very inoffensive. Perfect if you've feeling a little on the DANGEROUS SIDE but you're still beige as hell.

Which brings me to the next groundbreaking offering - the Triple CHOC Mars bar. This absolutely tastes like a regular Mars bar. No further comment.

The last bizarre offering is the Triple Flavoured Kit Kat. I like to imagine Nestle is run by a school of Tuna fish - you know, the fish that keep swimming in new directions otherwise they die? I think my dream is actually becoming a reality since it seems me like no one at Nestlé has any idea what they're doing with Kit Kats. We had the disastrous '3 textures' series for a mercifully short while before it was replaced with a caramel variety that claimed to he something along the lines of 'everyone's favourite part' (read: it was the most normal). Now we're bestowed with this bizarre chocolate bar that has three different flavours - one for each piece. Who has ACTUALLY ever craved three variants of one thing at once? 

Also, this is billed as another 'favourite' thing - who is on this favourites panel and WHY am I not on there to scream at anyone who proposes these things? Frankly the best flavour was Kit Kat Cookie Dough, which was discontinued years ago (RIP The Golden Age of Kit Kats) so this was all really a waste of time anyway.

All these bars were STUPID and UNNECESSARY.

*STUPID and UNNECESSARY

Flavour Rating: 3 out of 5
Worth Trying?: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Toffee Apple & Pineapple Tim Tams

It's 2016, and consumers are TIRED of boring basic flavours like chocolate or vanilla. The attention spans of today's average consumer has dropped to a new low I can just tell your eyes are glazing over and you're looking forward to just finishing reading this.

With the Tim Tam Mocktails range being a horrible, distant memory of February (was it all a dream??), the Australian public were NOT happy without some other idiotic flavour novelty. Finally, we can pack in the goodness of FRUIT into a CHOCOLATE biscuit. I wish someone had thought of this ingenuity prior to now (*hastily hides piles of Fruit & Nut chocolate*). Not like anyone was pretending this product was healthy, but it turns out the health rating of these Tim Tams aren't crash-hot.

This is what happens when your camera won't focus.

I think that actually might be the lowest health rating a product can get. Somehow it's still higher than normal lollies which average about 2 stars??

Everyone knows the key to making a really good limited edition is to combine the base flavour with an already existing snack, so chutes ahoy here comes the Woolworths exclusive 'Toffee Apple' - remember toffee apples, and how you only occasionally encounter them and when you do it's a refreshing treat? Well the flavour here is relatively mild and inoffensive. There is a slight apple taste but the chocolate is rich enough to overpower it. If you were after toffee apple sweet nothings, you won't really find it here. I wouldn't recommend them over a usual Tim Tam.

The Coles variety is 'Pineapple'. Listen, whoever is in charge in Lollies HQ - pineapple, grape and banana flavours don't taste ANYTHING like the actual fruit. I remember hearing a rumour that their flavours are based on different varieties of their respective fruit, but grape literally needs to be called 'purple flavour'. That being said, 'Imposter Pineapple' tastes fine as well. It tastes like pineapple lumps and has a similar texture. What would have made this product interesting would have been little chewy real pineapple pieces. But I know, it's just a crazy dream. This one probably has the edge over Toffee Apple as I think some people actually like this flavour pairing, but again it's sort of inferior to original varieties of Tim Tam.

I, for one, can't WAIT to see what bizarre limited edition flavoured Tim Tams will be coming our way next. Tim Tam Mint, Tim Tam Marshmallow, Tim Tam Bran, Tim Tam Ham etc etc etc. Can't wait.

Flavour Rating: 3 out of 5
Worth Trying?: Yes (Pineapple)

Pie Mate Maximus

Think of the most delicious drink flavour you can think of - was it tomato sauce? No? Oh, weird. The Maximus team were SO sure you'd be all for it, so they developed a flavour which is supposed to perfectly compliment your pie-slathered-with-tomato-sauce lunch.

All of a sudden, much like the 'Message Seen' function on Facebook, the product that no one wanted took its proud place on our shelves.

MMMM only good things will come of this.

This could go one of two ways, everyone! Do you think it's going to be:

A) Deliciously fresh and thirst quenching, bursting with the ambrosia of natural flavours

OR

B) Horrible

(Spoilers! it's B) Horrible)

When I was younger and if we went our to dinner, my siblings and I usually got bored with the icecream desert, so we'd mix in salt, sugar, pepper, water, and various other scraps on the table and then dare each other to drink it. Pie Mate Maximus tastes like a Frankenstein's monster - horribly sweet with a tang of tomato and a plentiful dash of regret.

The drink is a self proclaimed '1 litre goblet of hydration' which gives your gag reflex such a spasm when you drink a mouthful it could be considered an exorcism. The Pie Mate beverage amusingly has no trace of tomato in its ingredients (GASP), although I love the commitment to wacky flavours. I've literally never tried anything like it, and if you have the chance you simply must take a gulp.

The label recommends you "Bite. Your Pie // Swig. Maximus // Repeart. Until finished" and regrettably I couldn't comply as I had no pie. I feel like MAYBE I've missed the recommended experience of this drink so perhaps I am seriously missing out. 

But then again, I'm probably not.

KICKSHAW FLAVOUR RATING
1 out of 5

SHOULD YOU TRY?
Yes! 

M&M Megas

Large M&Ms.

I can only think of one possible thing that's tastier than M&Ms, and that's an M&M that's three times the size of a regular one. For too long I've had to pick up M&Ms by the handful like a fucking cretin when I wanted my chocolate hit, so gee whiz was I was relieved when my housemate brought me home of a packet of these M&M Megas.

I HAVE NEWS, MARS - I tried M&M Mega when I shoved a handful of M&Ms into my mouth when I was like two years old. Shut it down.

Well I don't really have much to say about this product as it literally is what it says it is. A large M&M. It's got the usual crisp shell, and Mars chocolate inside. Anyway, as we can all agree, the LARGER the size the producer, the NICER it will taste. No need for novelties like new ingredients - what really matters is that we have a smug character and a novelty name. So with all that considered, I guess this product is fine.

I can't wait til I climb the corporate ladder, inflate other confectionary items, give them a wacky name and then roll around in the dollars of the public that buy it.

Meanwhile, whatever happened to Smarties?

KICKSHAW FLAVOUR RATING
3 out of 5

SHOULD YOU TRY?
No